WTF Is Consensual Non-Consent Sex?

Consensual non-consent sex (CNC) might seem like a contradiction in terms, as it’s incredibly easy to home in on the “non-consent” bit.  But CNC isn’t actually non-consensual at all.

For lots of people there’s nothing hornier than surrendering… or taking… control, and CNC is one way for people to act out those fantasies within agreed limits. However, it’s also important to realize that CNC is complex. So whether you’re planning your next scene or just interested in learning more about this concept, you’re in the right place.

How Does Consensual Non-Consent Sex Work?

CNC is a type of BDSM sex play where the sub(s) give their consent based on agreed boundaries in advance. Then, once the scene commences the Dom(s) can assume consent within those limits and with the caveat that the sub can withdraw their consent using a safe word or sign at any time. 

Some typical CNC scenes could include:

It’s only consensual non-consent sex if everyone sticks to the boundaries agreed to in advance. Otherwise, it’s sexual assault.  Strong boundaries, clear communication, and mutual trust are essential.

Is it Okay to Enjoy Resistance Play?

The truth is that CNC also known as resistance play is a really common fantasy. Some people simply find this type of fucking really hot and want to act it out with other consenting adults… and that’s okay!

CNC is considered by some to be controversial, but a Dom is a world apart from a sexual predator. Someone who doesn’t value consent, clear communication and boundaries, and who ignores another person’s limits isn’t a Dom, they’re an abuser. 

Consent is where the huge gap between sex crimes like rape and CNC emerges. When someone acts out fantasies in their mind or with trusted partners, they have autonomy. For instance, they’ve chosen the scene, they know that they are safe, and realize they can stop it at any time. 

Misinformed ideas about Dom/sub relationships and CNC has led to some shame and stigma, which is totally unnecessary. Some men who have Dom fantasies feel shame or fear that they might be misogynists. Alternatively, some women who get turned on by the idea of being a sub worry that being into CNC isn’t compatible with feminism. So, to be clear:

Photo: whitedeamon via Pixabay

Doing CNC Sex Safely

So, we’ve talked about what CNC is, and we’ve dismissed any talk of shame. You might now be thinking, “Great! Where do I start?!” However, there’s a lot to nail-down before you do any nailing down. Frankly, some of the prep might seem less than sexy, but getting this stuff wrong is a total turn off when compared to getting it right. 

Here are some important things to bear in mind to keep CNC safe:

• Clarify the boundaries
  Be clear about your own limits and the limits of your partner. Express what is and isn’t okay beforehand, and be specific about your hard limits (e.g. no spitting, no anal).

• Get a sense of what each other wants out of the scene
  Discuss potential scenarios and what turns you on or off about them.

• Use safe words
  This is really important as in CNC safe words can be the only way to tell the difference between someone who’s having the time of their life and someone who really isn’t. Use signs if play involves the sub being silenced or non-verbal. 

• Start slowly
  Do less than you think you’d feel comfortable with and go further next time. Take your time and don’t jump in at the deep end.

• Aftercare
  Make sure to look after each other once CNC sex play stops. Check in about what went well and what didn’t. And make sure to prepare for the drop! 

Perhaps the most important thing of all with CNC is trust. The sub needs to feel safe and to know the Dom will respect their boundaries. The Dom needs to have complete faith the sub will use the safe words if they start to feel uncomfortable.

For lots of BDSM sex enthusiasts, the level of trust required for CNC sex amplifies love and intimacy. Go slow and steady, and you may discover that this is true for you, too.