In our society, vanilla is the norm, and those who dance to the beat of a kinkier drum can find themselves pushed to the wayside or facing a barrage of judgmental side-eyes and whispers.
Being kinky is to have marginalized sexuality. This refers to desires or practices that fall outside mainstream sexual norms and may not be widely understood. It’s all too easy to internalize the misunderstandings and stigma that sometimes surround kink sex play and to judge oneself by the standards of others.
It’s time to take off the shackles of shame (or keep them on if that’s your thing) and normalize kink!
Photo: innamykytas via Pixabay
There’s No Such Thing as Normal Sex
Sometimes, sex can be portrayed as a binary: “normal” bedroom antics versus everything else. Those who aren’t part of the “mainstream” can feel side-lined. But let’s get something clear: there is no one right way to express and experience your sexuality.
Our vanilla-normative world has perpetuated harmful myths around kinky sex. I’ve written about this before. Still, it’s worth reemphasizing here: whether you’re kinky or vanilla, your odds of having experienced trauma, sexual abuse, or mental health struggles are about the same.
In fact, there’s a growing body of research showing that much of the population has kinky fantasies, and acting on them is hugely common, too! Understanding this is vital to reducing shame and stigma for kinksters. Kink is normal. In fact, those who never have kinky fantasies are probably in the minority!
Photo: Kamaji Ogino via Pexels
Intersectionality in Kinky Relationships
While kinks are common, we can still find ourselves sitting in self-judgment. Intersectional differences within relationships can particularly complicate feelings of shame and stigma around kink.
This is especially true in BDSM relationships where a sub belongs to a group or groups with less privilege than their Dom. For example:
Cis women whose Doms are cis men
Black or brown folks whose Doms are white
Trans folks whose Doms are cis
Disabled people whose Doms are non-disabled
Subs can experience self-doubt and shame if their partner has more privilege than them. They might worry that by enjoying BDSM sex, they’re perpetuating their own oppression. Equally, Doms may fear that they’re reinforcing the societal oppression of their partner.
It’s important to acknowledge that sex and kink, just as almost any other area of life, can be weaponized in an abusive relationship. But that isn’t what’s happening in a relationship where both or all parties are enthusiastically consenting, and the play is risk-aware, where everyone involved can stop the scene at any time.
This is wildly different from abuse or coercion–an oppressed person doesn’t have the option of saying no.
Photo: innamykytas via Pixabay
Overcoming Shame and Embracing Your Kinky Side
It’s clear that shame and stigma around kink still exist and need tackling. But some kinky practices have moved into the mainstream in recent years. This complicates things further, as this creates its own issue around a perceived “hierarchy” of acceptable and unacceptable kinks.
For example, these days, many people consider light bondage a pretty mainstream fantasy. But depending on your social circles, watersports (playing with urine) or cuckolding can be seen as taboo.
Want to know the truth? There is no list of right and wrong kinks. If the play only involves informed, risk-aware, consenting adults, then whatever floats your boat is fine.
Acceptance of kink means respecting the waves that other people sail on, too. Don’t yuck someone else’s yum just because their fantasies don’t align with yours. It’s important to learn not to judge yourself or anybody else.
If this sometimes feels difficult, then you’re far from alone, and if you can’t shift things by yourself, then kink-positive therapy can be super helpful.
The bottom line is this… there’s nothing wrong with being kinky. Your sexuality is yours, and if you’re not harming yourself or others, then it’s time to let go. Don’t let anybody else dull your sexual sparkle–embrace your kinky side!
