We’ve already looked at some of the red flags and green flags when seeking a new kinky sex partner. But this time, we’ll dig deeper into the BDSM sub’s side of things.
“What makes a great BDSM sub?” Ultimately, this is a key question to consider no matter if you’re a Dom or a sub. And perhaps surprisingly, the answer is the same from either perspective. The things that make an enjoyable sub for a Dom also ensure the sub has a thrilling kinky experience, too.
So, whether you’re a Dom looking for clarity on what to look for in a submissive kink sex partner or a sub looking to take your BDSM game to the next level, this is the guide for you.
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The Root of Submission: A Good Sub Knows Their “Why”
Perhaps it’s the thrill of surrendering control, the intimacy of vulnerability, or the excitement of exploring new sensations. There’s no single right reason for a sub to engage in BDSM sex play. However, there are definitely some wrong ones.
A great BDSM sub definitely doesn’t start showering their Dom with honorifics. Nor do they submit themselves before respective desires, limits, and boundaries have been discussed and agreed upon.
Instead, they’re clear about their motivation for engaging in BDSM sex. They know why they enjoy kink and what they get out of it. They’re not trying to people-please or seek validation. Instead, they genuinely desire to explore power play.
Understanding not only your “why” but also the intention of your kink partner(s) helps to make sure needs and desires are communicated effectively. The best kinky sex scenes are built on the authentic selves of all involved.
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In Touch with Desire… A Good BDSM Sub Knows What They Want
Great subs are clear about what they enjoy… as well as what they want to try. Furthermore, they’re able to talk about their desires openly with their current or potential Dom.
It’s not just about knowing your kinks, either; it’s about understanding the nuances of your longings, too. A great sub can talk with ease about how they want to feel. They will also discuss what they’d like to happen.
This is very important. For example, not all spankings are equal. A BDSM sub who wants to be humiliated requires a different approach to one who likes being a brat. (That’s an actual BDSM term.) You have to know who is on the receiving end of strict punishment. Furthermore, a sub who wants to be forced to beg to be spanked needs something different still again.
The same sub might want all of these things, or combinations of them, and potentially even more, in different scenes. If a Dom doesn’t understand what their sub is seeking, how can they create the right vibe? And if the Dom creates the wrong vibe, their sub is unlikely to have a fulfilling experience.
A great sub actively participates in crafting the dynamic between the Dominant and submissive partner. This means:
Consent is discussed
and negotiated
Boundaries, limitations, and safe words are identified
They actively share ideas and fantasies for BDSM scenes
A Dom needs to know that their sub cares about their experience. They also need to know they have boundaries and will use safe words when needed. In turn, this helps keep things safer for everyone.
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In Touch with Their Partner: A Good BDSM Sub Cares About Their Dom’s Needs, Too
A good sub will not focus on their own experience. They’re interested in their Dom’s sex fantasies and needs.
They ask questions about their Dom’s turn-ons and favorite BDSM activities
They want to know their Dom’s preferred power exchange dynamics
They’re proactive about meeting their Dom’s aftercare needs
Matt, a 27-year-old sub from New York says, “After a scene, my partner Kelly, always holds me and strokes me. Then, we come back down to earth together. After a little while of that, she likes me to run a bath for us to have together. I always make sure to offer, rather than waiting for her to ask. I know that it helps her feel loved and close as equals again.”
Yes, the BDSM scene or ongoing power exchange is about domination and submission. However, setting the boundaries, fantasies, and direction of your BDSM journey is a two-way street.
The bottom line is that being a good sub isn’t about fitting a certain stereotype. Nor is it about abstaining from having any say on the trajectory of your sex life. It’s about self-awareness, good communication, and authenticity.
If you’re a BDSM sub who is in touch with those qualities, or a Dom with a partner who reflects those attributes, then you’re setting yourself up for hot, fulfilling BDSM sex play together!
