I have to remind myself sometimes that I’m in my 40s—my mid-40s. Alright… a number on the other side of 45.
I don’t feel my age. I’m told all the time I don’t look my age. I know I don’t act my age. However, there are some indicators that no matter how I look or feel or behave, my body isn’t the same as when I was 25.
Simply put, I’m in perimenopause. My hormones have decided to throw a party, invite all their friends, and then not show up themselves. And because of it, there are days when I feel like I’m riding a roller coaster blindfolded, especially when it comes to my sex life.
But don’t worry—this article isn’t meant to be doom and gloom. While yes, there are times when I feel like my body is in revolt, there is also good news. Namely, this time in my life has proven to be a chapter of exploration, new levels of intimacy with my husband, Kevin, and plenty of pleasure.
So What Is Perimenopause?
That’s the million-dollar question, isn’t it? And if I’m honest here, I’ve found that most doctors (especially the ones who have a penis) can’t answer that question—and they sometimes dismiss it entirely.
And it’s not like the medical community is spending a ton of time or resources studying it.
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Perimenopause vs. Menopause
Ultimately, perimenopause is the transitional phase before menopause, usually beginning for a woman when she’s in her 40s (however, it can begin in the mid-30s, too). The phase can last anywhere from a few months to over a decade–it just depends on the woman. During perimenopause, you still get your period.
A woman is considered to be menopausal when she has gone a full year without a period or her period stops permanently as a result of a medical treatment, such as after a hysterectomy.
Me personally? I started noticing perimenopause symptoms about two years ago—I was 44 at the time.
During perimenopause, the ovaries start to produce less estrogen, which leads to crazy and irregular periods (seriously, I sometimes bleed like a teenager!), hot flashes (I call them power surges), and yes, some changes in your sex life. At the same time, there are major fluctuations in other hormones, such as progesterone, testosterone, follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH), and luteinizing hormone (LH).
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The Hormone Monster
Think of your hormones as a group of pop divas. Picture Jennifer Lopez, Rihanna, Beyonce, and Ariana Grande all on the same stage–tons of opportunity for collaboration, but they are unable to harmonize together.
So, when your hormones are not syncing and working together, I have found a range of symptoms can occur, including:
A dry vagina
Lower estrogen levels can reduce natural lubrication, which can make sex less comfortable and enjoyable.
Decreased libido
Fluctuating hormones may make you less horny.
Pain and inflammation
This can happen anywhere in your body, including your brain. It may manifest in joint pain, itchy skin, puffiness, gut issues, and brain fog.
Mood swings
Seriously, it feels like a Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde situation—ask my husband. And they can be so intense that they impact your sex life.
Hot flashes and night sweats
Nothing says “sexy time” like feeling as if you’re on fire, and not in a good way.
Irregular periods and excess bleeding
Your periods might not be regular; you may find yourself having less bleeding or more bleeding than what you’re used to.
I’ve personally dealt with all of these things—and there is nothing I hate worse than feeling like I’m pushing Kevin away when I do want to be close to him. But on the bright side, I have learned how to manage these symptoms, and my sex life is hot, sexy, and fun… possibly more than it was before.
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Don’t Fight It… Embrace It
I’m child-free by choice. However, because society places such an emphasis on child-bearing and youthfulnes, there is a strange feeling associated with knowing your reproductive years are ending.
The patriarchy does have the tendency to treat women of a certain age like they’re fucking invisible, after all.
Therefore, you can either fight perimenopause and suffer for it, or you can explore new ways of connecting with your partner and discovering what turns you on now.
Here’s what I did:
01
Communicate, Communicate, Communicate
I can’t stress this enough. When I started to figure out what was going on with my body, I started talking about it with Kevin. There were times when sex felt different or uncomfortable, so I let him know. Even something as simple as telling him not to touch my boobs, because they felt heavy and sore, gave him the feedback he needed to stop doing something I wasn’t enjoying—at least at that moment.
02
Explore New Avenues for Pleasure
As I said, there are times when certain things aren’t comfortable (such as when I’m getting close to having my period, which has also become so unpredictable), so we swap things up in bed. We might not have vaginal sex, but maybe I perform oral sex on him, or he watches me while I masturbate. Maybe we watch porn together and each focus on self-love in each other’s presence.
03
Invest in Quality Lubricants
I can’t stress this enough. One of the first clues that something was going on with my body was when I discovered I couldn’t get as wet as I needed to on a consistent basis. Perimenopause attacked my pussy like she owed it money! This, is especially true when I’m close to having my period. We keep a water-based lubricant in Kevin’s bedside table, and we’re not shy about using it because it makes everything better for both of us.
04
Focus on Foreplay
There are times when it takes me a little bit more time to get horny. Kevin knows this and is accepting of it. So, we put a bit more effort into exploring each other’s bodies, building anticipation, and enjoying the journey… instead of simply focusing on catching an orgasm as the end result.
The Power of Self-Care
Another important point is to realize that sex during perimenopause isn’t just what happens in between the sheets—it’s also about how you take care of yourself outside of the bedroom. Your body is going through a lot, so it’s important to prioritize self-care and treat yourself with kindness.
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01
Stay Active
Exercise is so important right now! It will boost your mood, improve your circulation (which is awesome for your sex life), and keep you feeling good about your body. Ultimately, getting a workout in can affect your hormones and raise and sustain levels of an enzyme in women that increases blood flow to the vagina and enhance arousal. It can also help with mood swings and regulating emotions. No matter what it is… yoga, walking, going on a run, or simply dancing around your living room–just get moving.
02
Eat a Balanced Diet
What you put into your body has a big impact on how you feel and what you get out of it. Foods rich in phytoestrogens (like soy, flaxseeds, and tofu) can help balance your hormones. Plus, making sure you eat plenty of fruit, veggies, and whole grains keeps energy levels up.
03
Get Plenty of Rest in Perimenopause
Sleep is crucial during perimenopause, especially when night sweats and insomnia start to creep in. I personally have changed my sleep schedule a little, realizing my energy spikes later in the day, and I prefer to ease into the morning to avoid anxiety (which can also be triggered by fluctuating hormones). Now, I have a job where I don’t have to work traditional 9-to-5 hours, so I get this doesn’t apply to everyone. But if you have the luxury of identifying what works best for you, do it. You’ll feel better. Otherwise, make sure you have a bedtime routine that helps you wind down and get the shut-eye you need.
04
Make an Appointment With an OB/GYN or Endocrinologist
Firstly, if you are not getting the medical care you feel like you deserve from your gyno, there is no rule that says you have to stick with them. Do your research, read reviews, and seek out a medical professional who has a positive track record of treating perimenopausal and menopausal women. Someone who is passionate about helping women live their best lives can perform hormone testing, and potentially prescribe a variety of treatments, including:
- Vaginal estrogen
- Oral hormones
- IUDs
- Hormone replacement therapy
- Vaginal creams
- Antidepressants
There are varied hormonal and nonhormonal options that can alleviate and minimize the symptoms you may be experiencing. It’s best to consult one-on-one with a trusted medical provider.
Emotional Well-Being During Perimenopause is Important, Too
Sex goes beyond the physical. It is mental and emotional, too. During this time, it’s normal to have mixed feelings about this new stage of life. Therefore, it’s okay to ask for help if you’re struggling or feeling confused.
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01
Talk to a Therapist
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, talking to a therapist who specializes in women’s health can be amazing. They can provide tools and strategies for managing the emotional ups and downs of perimenopause.
02
Talk with Other Women
Having open and honest conversations with other women has been a game-changer for me. It’s incredible to realize that you’re not alone, especially when your regular doctor might just be telling you to “deal with it,” which is such utter bullshit. I’ve had so many conversations with my girlfriends about what we are experiencing collectively. And we’re all in the same boat. It’s nice to have this sounding board. There is a definite sisterhood about it.
The Sexy Silver Lining of Perimenopause
Yes, perimenopause might come with some challenges and frustrations. But it can also be an incredibly empowering time in a woman’s life, too. You have amazing stories and adventures. You have experience and savvy. So now you have the chance and amazing opportunity to redefine what sex and intimacy mean to you!
This is your opportunity to explore, experiment, and enjoy the freedom that comes with knowing yourself and your body better than ever. Embrace the changes, love your body, be open with your partner(s), and have fun!
Sex during perimenopause is not the end of the road—it’s just the beginning of the rest of your very sexy life.
