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A Guide to Online Dating: Finding Love or Just a One-Night Stand

Tips on keeping it simple and maintaining honesty about emotional availability.

Photo: Sincerely Media via Unsplash

Before I got married I was a big old slut.

I dated and slept with lots of different women, and I conquered with every slick move possible. I tried every possible combination of dating strategies known to humankind. Therefore, I can tell you tricks that work, and which maneuvers will keep you dateless or create awkward moments.

Whether you want to fall in love and get married — which I did — or simply acquire some nice booty action, this guide is for you. It’s tailored to lesbians, but we can think of it as a guide for “the lesbian inside all of us.” This guide covers only online dating. Some other time I will cover the topics of meeting people elsewhere. Until then, read on and discover the magic of online dating.

Internet Dating:

Dating sites offer limitless potential for relationships and casual sex. Don’t be an idiot and say, “Oh, Internet dating is just not for me.” In an increasingly digital world, meeting lovers online is becoming commonplace. Here are some tips for success:

  • Do not use a dorky screen name. Sure, you may love Harry Potter, but your potential dates do not need to know that upfront. Also, don’t use a name that is geographically specific like “NYCplayer12.” In addition to making you look like a douche, it limits anyone who is not from the area from contacting you.
  • Take your time to fill out your profile and answer honestly. Don’t say you are skinny if you are fat. Try to give people a feel for your true personality.
  • If you absolutely cannot write yourself a good profile, ask a friend to do it for you. My wife asked her friend, a shallow gay male, to write her profile. I loved what she said. Obviously I must be shallow. Oh, well.
  • Don’t get upset if some hottie that you “wink” at doesn’t write you back. Internet dating is a numbers game, so don’t fixate on one person. Contact lots of people. Keep the interactions going.
  • Unless you live far, far away from each other, don’t carry on endless conversations over email. Some websites make you communicate in their system for a certain number of exchanges until you can give out your phone number… that’s fine, and it’s a safety measure. However, try to talk to people on the phone as soon as possible. I can’t tell you how many hours I wasted emailing girls back only to find that the dates never materialized.
  • Once you talk to people on the phone, you can pretty much tell if you will get along when you meet face-to-face. If the person has nothing to say on the phone and has a totally flat personality, just move on.

Meeting People from the Internet in Real Life:

The goal of Internet dating is dating — not chatting or emailing, but dating, which means physically meeting someone.

  • For your first date with someone in real life, keep it simple. Do not plan some elaborate date like rock climbing or playing skeet ball or whatever. Tell the person you want to go for a drink. Not dinner. Never dinner, for god’s sake — not until you know if you like them! No lunches, either! No meals, period. I have made the mistake of having to sit through horrible dinners with awful bitches. I don’t want to make you suffer the same way. If you like the person, you can always stay for more drinks or go for dinner after you finish your drink.
  • However, if you’re just out for a one-night stand, then, by all means, make dinner plans. Romance the shit out of that girl. Listen to her talk; ask her about herself. Share commonalities. Nothing makes a girl hornier than “clicking” with someone. See the section below for more tips.
  • Don’t go for coffee unless you don’t drink alcohol. Coffee dates are boring, and they end up being more like interviews than actual dates, where the female juices start flowing.
  • If you like each other, you can always plan a sexier, cooler experience for your second date.
  • The “don’t sleep together on the first date” rule doesn’t really apply for lesbians, but that said, don’t have crazy, kinky sex unless you met on some website specifically catering to that desire. Save some surprises for later.
  • Assume that everyone you are dating is dating other people at the same time. Don’t get your panties in a wad if you find out that they have a date the night after yours. You could be scheduling multiple dates yourself — in fact, you should be.
  • If you are not attracted to someone after the first date, then don’t go on a second date. It probably won’t get better, so don’t waste your time.
  • To break it off, just don’t return phone calls. No need to email the person with reasons why it didn’t work out. The only exception to this is if you make a second date and then decide you don’t like them. In that case, just tell them you started dating someone else more seriously. People do not need to know why you don’t like them.
  • I will cover more about how to date in another column, but this info should get you off to a good start with looking for a relationship online.

How to Get Laid from Internet Dating:

If the goal of your dating experience is tapping ass, let the person know that you’re not up for anything serious. It’s rude and wrong to lead someone on. However, if the person does not believe you when you say you are not emotionally available, it’s not your fault. You warned them!

  • If you sense that you have a Fatal Attraction situation on your hands, end the date. Listen to your instincts. If the person is super clingy, it is not worth it to sleep with them. You will have a hot mess to clean up afterward, and it can be really difficult to get rid of stalker types.
  • A good way to end a date is by asking for the check. And paying it. Don’t make the other person pay if you decide you want to cut out early.
  • Before you bring anyone home to close the deal, make sure your house is clean. If you have roommates, clean all common areas yourself. Vacuum, spray some odor eliminator. Clean the hair out of the shower! I am 1,000-percent nosy, and I always snoop around in the bathroom. If there is a bunch of hair in your drain, it’s gross, and it really decreases your chances of getting nookie.
  • Have some wine and sparkling water available at home for your date. It makes you seem like a smooth player even if you are not. I know this to be true, because it’s a move my wife used on our first date. When girls think that you have mad game, it will make them suspicious — but in a good way.
  • Make out. Make out. Make out. Don’t go straight for the boobs.
  • Also, don’t kick her out at the end of the night unless she wants to go. However, sleeping over does not mean that you have to go to breakfast together. Tell her you have a meeting, get dressed and leave the house together.
  • Don’t plan on going out again with your one-night stand unless the two of you decide together that you will be each other’s booty call. Even then, that shit’s messy. Dating is dating, and sex is sex. I recommend keeping it that way.
  • However, if after the first date you discover that you actually really like the person, then change your strategy and your mindset over, and think of the person as someone you would like to date.

Dating can be rough on your self-esteem, but keep an open mind and an open heart. After all, sometimes fairy tales come true. Mine did.

Originally published in The Huffington Post on November 23, 2011

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