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A Guide to Meeting Eligible Women Everywhere

And why you shouldn't take your straight guy friend as a wingman to a gay/lesbian bar.

Photo: RDNE Stock project via Pexels

My wife tried to find other lesbians to date by roaming the aisles at Home Depot.

You see, my wife is Guatemalan, and when her corporate job moved her to the U.S., she didn’t know the first thing about how to meet women. A mean/funny gay male friend lied to her and said, “Oh, honey, Home Depot is the place to meet girls! Just go hang out in the tool section.”

She didn’t know any better, so for many Saturdays in a row she would trek to the home improvement outlet in Chelsea and search for her soul mate. She had no luck as, obviously: I was not out buying tackle boxes full of power drills.

I met my wife online, and if you want to know more about how to successfully date on the Internet, read my previous column, “Juicy Jincey’s Guide to Online Dating: Finding Love or Just a One-Night Stand.” Right now I’m talking about how to meet women and in your day-to-day life.

The first and most important thing when you want to find love is to be open. Do not say, “There are no gay women where I live.” That is most certainly untrue. If you repeat such negative statements to yourself, you may not be able to spot the hot lesbians in your neighborhood. Women are everywhere; let dating be an adventure. Tell yourself that you could meet the love of your life at any moment.

It’s best to be proactive when looking for love. Let’s start with small towns — a frequent email request.

How to Meet Hotties in Your Own Tiny Town

I may be a big-city girl now, but I grew up in Carrollton, Ga., a place so small that the entire population would fill up less than half of Yankee Stadium. Despite it being tiny, there are gay people there who hang out and do gay things.

What I have noticed about small towns is that gays and lesbians tend to stick together more. There may be only one gay bar, so everyone goes there, like in Cheers. If you live in a one-stoplight kind of town, then there may not be a gay bar, but I would lay money down on the fact that there is one somewhere close by in the county. Find it.

Here is a very important tip for gay/lesbian bars. Do not take your straight guy friend as your wingman. I have made the mistake many times. You may feel comfortable hanging out with your buddy, but the problem is that women in the bar will think that you came with your man-friend as a date. In other words, they will think that the two of you came to the bar to find someone to have a threesome. No one will talk to you all night long. Women will avoid you like a rotting zombie corpse.

Also, coming alone is not the best idea, either. Aside from the fact that you will have no designated driver, you may come across as desperate. Trust me, I made that mistake more times than anything else. So, who is the best person to bring with you to a gay bar? A cute straight girl, of course!

Good-looking women will attract the attention of the lesbians in the bar. Also, gay men often enjoy flirting with pretty girls just for fun. Don’t grind up on your friend, though. Make it clear that you are not there “together.”

Any good wingman will ease the tension and help you go up and talk to women. The more people you chat with, the more your confidence will be boosted. Another mistake I have made over and over is trying to make an instant “deep connection.” I despise small talk, so I’m always attempting to carry on intellectual conversations with everyone. A bar is not the place for such talks. Keep it light.

If you have chemistry with someone, exchange phone numbers. Only take one girl’s number per night. Don’t be a douche and go around getting everyone’s digits. It’s not 1995.

When you meet someone at a bar, wait two days to call for a date. If you call the morning after meeting them, you will look like a stalker. No matter how much you want to call, please, just wait. When you do ring her up, make plans to meet for dinner. The rule is this: she who invites pays. Don’t be cheap. Pony up the cash for dinner if you ask the girl out on a first date. If you don’t make a lot of money, then go somewhere inexpensive and order light, but let her get whatever she wants. It’s amazing how many times this most basic rule of romance is violated. Even if she offers, don’t go dutch.

What if you are sober or just not a drinker? Obviously, a bar would not be the best place to meet someone. The best bet for you is to find someone who is a non-drinker or just dabbles lightly in booze.

Good places to meet women in small towns are:

  • Community theater groups
  • Activist groups / charity events / volunteering for a cause
  • Church (Seriously? Yes, really.)
  • The gym
  • Barbeques
  • Coffee shops
  • College (but only if you are a student)

Just strike up a conversation with any girl whom you find attractive. It may seem scary, but remember that you are a good person who has lots to offer.

It is very important that you are honest with your friends and the people around you. Being in the closet is going to make it extremely difficult for you to find and maintain a love interest. Once you get past the initial stages of coming out, you will be pleasantly surprised at how people will want to help you. Don’t complain about being lonely, but rather say to your loved ones, “I’d really like to find someone to spend my life with.” You may even get set up on blind dates!

I will cover the dos and don’ts of dating in another column. In the meantime, those tips will help small-town gals get started.

Finding Love in a Big City

A lot of the same rules that I explained for small towns can also be applied to big cities, so if you skipped over that part, please go back and read it.

The good part about a big city is that you have choices. More people, more options. However, one of the best ways to meet women in a big city is to get involved in some sort of charitable cause that is centered on the gay community. Pick an organization that matches you. If you’re more grassroots, go where the hippies are. If you’re yuppie scum like I am, join a group that throws more glamorous events. In addition to helping out an important cause, you will meet women with similar interests and kind hearts.

In a large city, the gay community is often more divided. There may be separate bars for gays and lesbians. This may sound obvious, but it isn’t: go where the lesbians go. Don’t spend all your time with gay men if you want to meet a woman. Ditto for straight people, unless they are setting you up or your group of friends is very diverse. It is very helpful to hang out with lesbians, because you will increase your chances of finding someone with whom you have chemistry.

In every big city there is a gay neighborhood. If you don’t already live in that area of town, consider moving there, or at a minimum, go hang out there. The point is to maximize your potential for meeting women who like women.

In future columns, I’ll tell you more about how to fall in love and stay in love, but for now, begin taking the first steps to go out and meet women.

No matter where you live, the love of your life is out there, waiting to be found. Go look for her!

Originally published in The Huffington Post on December 7, 2011

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