About eight months ago I wrote a scathing piece about the pressure to have children and my general distaste for all things gestational. My, my, how the world does change. Turns out, my body wants a baby.
My fears about pregnancy, labor in particular, remain. However, the strangest things are happening biologically, and I feel like I don’t have control over my body.
Four Distinct Reactions to My Monthly Cycle
Week one
Horrible PMS. Bloating, cramping, and certain days where the world seems icky and terrible. Frankly, I have not had this kind of uterine spasms or moodiness since I was 15.
Week two
Red sea. Enough said.
Week three
Uncontrollable horniness. For real, insane sex dreams—including ones about ejaculation—that are horrifying to me in a waking state. This results in almost nightly pouncing on my wife for sexy time.
Week four
Feeling like a normal individual.
Photo: Keira Burton via Pexels
Full-On Baby Brain
Another thing I find myself doing is staring at babies on the street. I become absolutely riveted by Trinidadian nannies pushing buggies. I’m not joking, mothers and fathers carrying little ones in Baby Bjorns make me teary. In my mind, I picture myself hugging my own sweet toddler close and imagine taking trips to the park down the block. It’s all very foreign to me.
So, even while I was realizing my body wants a baby, I kept my burgeoning desires to become a mother to myself for several months. I thought it was some sort of weird hormonal thing that would pass, but it hasn’t. So, a few weeks back I decided to present the proposal to my wife.
Getting My Wife on Board
“Babe, I think I want to have a baby.”
“Whaa?” she responded, almost choking on a chunk of avocado. “Like have have a baby?”
“Yes, like get pregnant and birth one,” I said.
“Bunny, what do you mean?! What happened? I thought you said you didn’t want to do that!” The tone of her voice was simultaneously shocked and ecstatic.
“It’s not me, babe. My body wants a baby. I can’t explain it.”
Photo: Yan Krukau via Pexels
Contemplating the Future
After this, we went on to discuss how we might accomplish the baby-making plan, given that she lacks the obvious machinery. Neither one of us really knows how it works or what to do. We also have an impossible list of preferences when it comes to the type of child we’d like to have: the top tier is a lesbian, queer, or straight girl, followed by a transgender or genderqueer child, then a gay boy, and in last place a straight male. Fair? Probably not.
Suddenly, my worries kicked in: What if the baby is a psychopath? What if we end up with a monkey-like superjock who hates us? Will labor hurt too much? Will I get fat? How can we make enough money to pay for $40,000-plus in schooling for the next 24 years?
One Thing I’m Certain Of
I know I’ll be a good mom. I’ll love my kid and offer my unwavering support always. Ultimately, I want him/her/zer to have what I feel I didn’t have growing up: the freedom of individuality.
At the end of the day, my wife is now over the moon. The day after we talked, she came home from work early and said, “Let’s go to the bank. I want to open a savings account for the baby.”
Photo: Nataliya Vaitkevich via Pexels
Looking Forward to Next Steps
Come January, I’ll start the research and begin doctor visits. If we have a goal in mind, we’d like to get pregnant next year. At the same time, I have no idea what this process will be like. A zillion questions race through my mind every time I think about pregnancy. Stay tuned, in the coming months I’ll write about what I discover, and I’ll bring you along for the ride.
Baby on board!
Originally published by the Huffington Post on Aug 15, 2012
