Historically, American culture has relied on white supremacy when demanding access to every place and space occupied by people of color… no matter if they were Black, Indigenous, or part of the non-white global majority.
It was fine to be exclusionary when signs said “Whites Only.”
So, the real question is why are so many people clamoring for access to the spaces created and maintained by oppressed communities? More importantly, what are you, as an outsider, trying to bring into those spaces?
Too often, we see “It’s reverse racism” or “It’s heterophobia” when people demanding access aren’t there to contribute. They’re only there to take and they are refused admittance.
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A Form of Surveillance Culture
There is an assumption that everything is for everyone that wants it. After all, how dare you tell beneficiaries of white supremacist cultural norms no? Culture vultures see the potential profit, but they don’t see the people.
If you don’t understand that people aren’t commodities you simply don’t belong in spaces dedicated to connection and affection. The cookout could be any party, wedding, or cultural or religious ceremony… and the rules would still be the same.
Be a good guest.
Be respectful and bring something to share with the community.
In the Midwest, at an actual cookout, one would never show up empty handed. There is an expectation to bring dessert, soda, aluminum foil, or paper plates.
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Bare Minimum, You Should Bring A Bag Of Ice
In that same vein, if you want an invitation to the figurative cookout you need to bring more than you take. It’s not enough to simply show up.
How are you helping? What are you contributing to the culture? Are you showing up for the parts that aren’t fun?
When Black people are fighting for their rights, their safety, and their communities, where are you?
What are you doing when the party is over, and the hard work is happening? If you aren’t showing up for the challenging parts, why do you think you have a right to be included in the celebrations?
What Does It Mean To NOT Be Invited To The Cookout?
Online, jokes between friends and sometimes total strangers make it sound like being invited to the cookout is as simple as being interested in participating. And because of that, an invitation to the cookout has become shorthand for admittance into Black American culture.
Despite the movies and jokes, the cookout–both literally and figuratively–has never been open to everyone. It has always been a place for a healthy family/community to gather, to socialize and to create. And admittance is eternally dependent on behavior. An invitation to the cookout is really acknowledging that you have acted as an ally, or better yet as an accomplice, in ways that mean you have earned the trust of the proverbial hosts.
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Unspoken Rules
Black American culture has many unspoken rules regarding how one interacts with people in the community. If you grow up within the culture, you’re more likely to be aware of those rules. However, on occasion you can learn enough through friendships and sometimes romantic relationships to become part of the community.
But just like anything else, if you are a guest, you are always a guest… and you need to remember that you don’t have a right to be included in everything.
If your behavior is racist, derogatory, defamatory, abusive, predatory, or homophobic… you can be shown the door.
No one is obligated to allow access to their safe spaces and community just because one wants to be there.
Yes, that feels exclusionary to those who are told they are unwelcome. But ultimately, if you aren’t going to contribute, be supportive, or act respectful, then you’re not going to the cookout to be part of the community. And no one wants to feel like they’re on display for your entertainment or education.
Anyone Can Lose Their Invitation To The Cookout… Including Black People
This past spring, we had a prime example of a revoked invitation. It was in the Kendrick Lamar/Drake diss tracks.
Drake said Kendrick raps like he’s trying to free the slaves–and we all heard Kendrick issue the rap equivalent of Drake being shown the door and kicked out of the cookout via a dance beat.
In a peculiar way, it is proof that the cookout is a place for allies, family, and community–but not opportunists. And it’s also regardless of skin color or ancestry.
Anyone can crash a party. However, the question one must ask themselves is why the invitation to the cookout is the goal… and not a society where everyone gets to feel safe enough to celebrate?
