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The 7 Most Expensive Hotels I Ever Fucked In

A globetrotting romp through the world’s most opulent hotels.
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Traveling in style is one of life’s greatest pleasures. And when it comes to opulent accommodations, I’ve had the privilege of being fucked senseless in some of the world’s most expensive hotels. 

Let me take you on a globetrotting romp through the world’s most coveted destinations. I’m revealing everything so that you know what to expect from the beds, bathtubs, and fancy extras in these stunning 5-star hotels.

Tiberio Palace in Capri, Italy

Cost: $3,000 per night 

When I die, burn me up, load me into a glitter cannon, and spray my ashes over Capri. That’s how much I love this stunning island located just off Italy’s Amalfi Coast.

My obsession with Capri is, in no small part, owed to Tiberio Palace. This 5-star boutique hotel, mere steps away from the famous piazza, is so dedicated to luxury that they iron the tablecloths after they set the tables… ON THE TERRACE.

My multi-room suite overlooked the Mediterranean and had a bathtub so large that neither my head nor my feet touched the top or the bottom when I was floating in the water. To put this in perspective, I am 6 feet tall. The bathtub was a custom-poured concrete dream. 

The bed? A cloud of crisp white linens.

My wife and I made love in the morning and then ordered breakfast to be served on our private patio. I was blissful – until a seagull came and stole all my bacon. 

Ratings

Bed

Bathtub

Location

10/10

10/10

10/10

Rosewood Mayakoba in Playa del Carmen, Mexico

Cost: $2,000 per night

My ex-wife and I were in severe need of a vacation in 2012. After receiving some rave reviews from friends, we booked a boutique B&B. Unfortunately, I am very snobby when it comes to hotels, and our “suite” had a leaky thatched roof, no A/C, and no room service. Not kidding, there was a sign posted in the room that said, “Don’t leave your belongings outside of the closet, or they will be rained on.” 

That hotel wasn’t gonna work.

So, we loaded our bags in the car and hightailed it to the Rosewood Mayakoba. It was rainy season, which meant we got a steal of a deal on a 2-story bungalow on the resort’s gator-filled canals. 

The bungalow felt like a slice of the Hollywood Hills had landed on the Mayan Riviera. Everything was sleek and modern, and the bungalow came with 24/7 butler service and a private plunge pool. I lost count of the number of hours I spent skinnydipping.

Ratings

Bed

Bathtub

Location

Amenities

10 / 10

8 / 10

(I would have preferred the
suite to be beachfront)

10 / 10

10 / 10

The Mark in New York City, New York

Cost: $3,500 per night 

Located smack in the middle of Gossip Girl country, also known as Manhattan’s Upper East Side, The Mark is a British-owned 5-star hotel adored by celebrities… no doubt it’s one of the world’s most expensive hotels. In fact, it was where Serena Williams chose to host a baby shower in 2019 for Meghan Markle, Duchess of Sussex. 

However, way before Meghan was even a twinkle in Harry’s eye, I decided that The Mark was the perfect location for a bit of mischief with my ex-wife. It was our third wedding anniversary, and I tricked her into thinking that I’d hired a hooker for us. I used voice-changing software to make my voice lower, faked a British accent, and told her to come to The Mark with $2,000 cash. 

I’d rented a junior suite and raided the Agent Provocateur store in SoHo. I greeted her at the door in nothing but a corset and heels. We fooled around on the sofa, and I pretended to be a high-class, Oxford-educated call girl for the rest of the evening. I faked a few orgasms, she fell asleep, and I collected my $2,000 fee. 

After getting paid for sex with my ex-wife, I realized I no longer wanted to fuck her for free, and we separated about three months later.

As if the tragic beginning of the end of my marriage wasn’t enough, I also found the hotel to be rather overpriced. The decor was a bit fussy, and everything felt… overdone. Or maybe it was just me who was over and done. Either way, I don’t recommend The Mark. 

Ratings

Bed

Bathtub

Location

6/ 10

Don’t remember

10 / 10

Hotel Bowmann in Paris, France

Cost: $2,800 per night

I never knew what it must feel like to be a billionaire until I stayed in the Penthouse Suite at the Hotel Bowmann.

During a 2018 trip to France, I booked the Hotel Bowmann as a spur-of-the-moment splurge. When I book hotels, I am that bitch who reads every single review. Therefore, I gleaned a key bit of info: when you book the Penthouse Suite, the hotel closes off public access to the entire rooftop, so it becomes your private playground.

And what a playground! 

There’s a 4-person hot tub on the roof that overlooks the Eiffel Tower. A stairway takes you to an upper roof deck with 360-degree views of Paris. 

On top of all that, the suite itself is a perfectly designed one-bedroom apartment. There’s a floor-to-ceiling marble bathroom with a glass wall that faces the suite’s hallway and can be turned into a TV or transformed from clear to frosted at the push of a button. 

I spent the evening in the hot tub on the terrace, making out with my wife as the Eiffel Tower sparkled for us every hour on the hour. When she’d had enough of the jacuzzi, I stayed in and pleasured myself with the neck of a champagne bottle.

Just when I’d finished my delicious orgasm, I noticed the elevator doors open in the hallway outside our suite. A very nervous-looking man in a suit and his gorgeous girlfriend walked into the hallway and tried to pry open the door to the rooftop. It was locked, thankfully for me, because I was buck naked. 

My guess? He was attempting to propose to her on this glorious rooftop. I felt sorry for him. I hope she said yes, regardless. But he really should have read the fine print like I did.

Ratings

Bed

Bathtub

Location

Amenities

10 / 10

10 / 10

10 / 10

1,000 / 10

Hotel 41 in London, England

Cost: $1,800 per night

Directly across from Buckingham Palace is a jewel box called Hotel 41. I love this hotel so much that I almost don’t want to share it with you. 

I stay there every time I visit London, and it makes me feel like a queen. Next time, I plan to take my wife and try queening.

Everything about the hotel is cozy: the beds, the bathrooms, and even the massive study/lobby/breakfast room. There’s a 24/7 snack “pantry” you can raid FOR FREE. One caveat: they do make you pay for drinks – and they ain’t cheap. There is a definite reason why this is one of the world’s most expensive hotels.

I always pack my 24-karat gold Crave vibrator when I travel. And let me tell you, there is no better feeling than the relaxation that sets in after a hot bath followed by a sweet little orgasm. Add in the “stolen” caramels from the plunder pantry, and you have a recipe for endless joy.

Ratings

Bed

Bathtub

Location

Amenities

10 / 10

8 / 10

10 / 10

1,000 / 10

The London in Los Angeles, California

Cost: $800 per night

In the heart of West Hollywood, The London is synonymous with Hollywood glamour. My suite had a bed that floated in the middle of the room and double-height windows that peered over the Sunset Strip.

Did someone say strip? That’s exactly what I did. I was staying alone, so after a bit of in-room dining, I took a long bath and used the detachable shower head to wet my kitty until she purred. 

The bed was so comfortable that I slept like a 1960s starlet on a load of valium. 

Ratings

Bed

Bathtub

Location

10 / 10

9 / 10

10 / 10

Les Roches Rouges in Cote d’Azur, France

Cost: $700 per night

Les Roches Rouges is like that resort in Dirty Dancing, but for chic, jet-set families. 

I don’t have kids (thankfully), and I went to the hotel in September after all the kiddos were back in school (again, thankfully), so I didn’t have to contend with a bunch of five-year-olds paddling through the pool.

The pool! Sorry, pools!! There is a saline lap pool and a saltwater infinity pool carved from rocks. You don’t know true luxury until you feel the cobalt waters of the Med splash onto your naked chest while sipping a mojito on a sunny afternoon.

My suite on the top floor had a long balcony that overlooked the sea. One night, I slept with the curtains open during a thunderstorm. When lightning struck, it lit the entire sky, and I could see it clear and blue as if it were daytime. It was a bizarre sight. It never occurred to me before that the sky is always blue at night, but you just can’t see it without the sun.

My wife and I stayed for five long, lazy days. We’d nap, make love in the room, go for a swim, make love in the room, eat… repeat. 

I didn’t want to leave.

Ratings

Bed

Bathtub

Location

Amenities

10 / 10

8 / 10

10 / 10

1,000 / 10

Wishing You a (Sex) Life Full of Luxury 

I hope you’ve enjoyed my vivid descriptions and honest reviews of these swanky hotels. Remember that luxury is not about the price tag; it’s about the experience as a whole.

Here are my wishes for you as you discover the world’s most expensive hotels: May you rest in the softest beds, soak in the grandest tubs, and avoid every bacon-stealing seagull. Happy travels!

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