So, you’re ready to dip a little more than your toes into the kinky courting waters but aren’t sure where to start? Feeling a tad clueless about how to tell a cutie about your BDSM bedroom interests?
Look no further; this is the kinky dating guide for you! Nerves are natural at first, but with a few simple steps, you’ll be finding hot and healthy matches who share your interests in no time…
It Starts with You: Clarifying Your Kinky Intentions
Consider a few of the following questions:
Is kink the essence
of your sexual self?
Is it more of an itch
you like to scratch
(or suck, slap, submit to…)
on occasion?
How important is it
that your next partner meets
all of your kinky desires?
If you’re non-monogamous, enjoy vanilla sex as much as kink, and already have BDSM partners, then kink might be less of a priority than if you’re a super kinky single trying to find your forever one.
Photo: uminov-v-v via Pixabay
Profiles, Privacy, and Platforms – Where to Look for Your Kinky Dating Match
If your wardrobe could outfit a biker rally and you own more handcuffs than your local police department, setting up your dating profile may be daunting. So, where should you start? What are the best apps to use? How should you describe yourself?
Using a dating app designed with kinky folk in mind can help stave off any awkwardness. For example, on apps like Feeld, there’s more of an assumption that you might be talking to a fellow kink enthusiast or at least someone who could be kink-curious.
What you choose to share while you do kinky courting will depend on your personal privacy boundaries. If you’re a loud and proud kinkster, then you might feel comfortable saying so on your dating profile.
At the other end of the spectrum, it may feel too intimate to share your kink in such a public way. Furthermore, some people may have legitimate personal or professional concerns about who might see their dating profile.
There are more than fifty shades of gray between these two relative extremes, so it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. You can suggest that you’re “open-minded” without specifying what steamy sexcapades float your boat. Or simply mention that you’re kink-curious or kinky without going into great detail.
For others, mentioning whether they’re a Dom or sub helps to screen out incompatible matches, which also prevents early disappointment. The important thing is to be intentional about what as well as how much you share during the kinky courting process. Don’t feel pressured to share more or less than what feels comfortable to you.
Photo: suessmoments via Pixabay
When to Have “The Kink Chat”
Okay, so you’ve matched with someone promising… when and how do you open up about your deeper desires? This is a vulnerable moment for sure, but biting the bullet early can be a good thing, especially if kink is important to you.
As Brené Brown says, “Clear is kind, unclear is unkind,” and that’s as true here as anywhere else. Starting early avoids wasting everyone’s time and means you don’t have it hanging over your head if things progress. There’s nothing sexy about falling for someone only to find out you’re not compatible.
Fear of rejection is natural, but you can set things up by introducing the concept of a squick: it’s a squirmy, negative response to a kink without any judgment of it.
Remember, too, that there’s going to be a lot more than one “kink chat” if things go somewhere with this person. Realize it can unfold in stages:
- A check-in to make sure that kink isn’t off the table
- Broad brush strokes about your kinky interests: Dom or sub? Switch? Are there any kinks you’re not open to?
- Sharing fantasies and kink journeys. This stage can be really fucking hot!
Listening, empathy, and the ability to receive and offer vulnerability are essential qualities for any healthy relationship. And not just for ensuring a sexy kinky connection.
Requiring a potential partner who can talk openly and honestly about what they’re into and listen to you with kindness and understanding is an excellent barrier to entry! Don’t be tempted to settle for–or offer–less.
With practice, these conversations can become a natural part of your dating process! Give it a try. See how being upfront and open about what gets you off can be incredibly sexy, too!
