It can be challenging to bring up the prospect of a threesome with your partner. Broaching the subject might result in a big reward… and fulfill an exciting fantasy. But there are no guarantees, and it’s important to realize that it has the potential to hurt your partner’s feelings and/or damage your relationship.
So, what is the best way to go about it? Here are some ideas as well as some pitfalls to watch out for.
Pick Your Path: Raising the Threesome Subject
There are two potential ways of raising the subject of a threesome with your partner: indirectly or directly.
The Indirect Option
The softly, softly approach relates to finding out how your partner feels about threesomes in general… seeing how they respond to the idea in an “incidental” way. Some examples include mentioning articles about threesomes or putting a TV show about throuples on–and gauging their response.
I don’t recommend this. If your partner doesn’t get the hint, then the mother of all miscommunications can occur! Maybe they’re chill about other people having threesomes, so you think they’re up for it… but they’re not.
Or, on the flipside, you think they hate the idea because they seem noncommittal, but really they just felt too shy to tell you that they’d love it, because you seemed disinterested!
Arguably, with this method, you’re also effectively asking your partner to be open with you by sharing how they feel, without being willing to make yourself vulnerable, and that’s not a great look.
The Direct Option
Grabbing the bull by the horns means you will get a clear answer without any guesswork and with far less room for misunderstanding!
The downside is that there’s no avoiding a potentially tricky conversation. However, being able to talk about difficult things is essential in a healthy relationship. If that doesn’t feel doable, then a threesome could be the least of your worries.
Equally, if you’re not used to talking about sex openly–and many people aren’t–then getting some support might be beneficial. It’s something a sex, kink, and CNM-affirming psychosexual therapist could help with, either individually or as a couple.
Whether your partner says yes or no, there’s nothing to be ashamed of. Threesomes are a common fantasy, and it’s okay to be upfront, respectfully, about your desires.
Photo: cottonbro studio via Pexels
Why Do You Want a Threesome?
Before speaking with your partner, make sure you’re open and transparent with yourself. What do you hope to get from a threesome? Are you looking for a one-off experience, or do you think you might want a consensually non-monogamous (CNM) relationship?
Whether your partner is up for a threesome or not, they’re probably going to have questions for you. They will almost certainly want to know what you like about the idea and why it turns you on. They might ask how long you’ve been thinking about it. Also, be prepared for the fact that they may need reassurance about whether you’re still enjoying sex with them.
Thinking beforehand about how you might respond to their feelings means you’re less likely to be clumsy about it in the moment.
“Honey, Can We Have a Threesome?” Yes, No, or Maybe…
No matter how respectfully and kindly you approach this conversation, you can’t control the outcome, so try to hold it lightly. You might get a “Hell yes!” If that’s the case, excellent. We’re done here! But your partner may need time to think about it, or it might just be a straight no.
If you’re in a monogamous relationship, then a threesome would necessitate a fundamental boundary change, and your partner doesn’t owe you willingness to do that. Remember that sulking, coercing, or emotionally withdrawing are not okay and can easily venture into emotional abuse territory. Don’t be that person!
While it’s entirely okay to explore a compromise, if your partner says, “Hell no,” then ensure they know their answer has been heard, first. After that, talk through some possibilities. Your partner might enjoy watching threesome porn together or welcome you sharing your fantasies without acting on them.
The most important thing is to prioritize kindness, honesty, and respect. If threesomes are off the table, then you’ve created excellent conditions for exploring sexy alternatives, and you can move on together, with your connection not just unharmed, but intact and strengthened.
If your partner says yes, then you’ve laid a strong foundation for further exploration… so have fun!
